Dating Danger

A pause from writing is not usually a good thing (I’ve been unplogged – unplugged from blogs - for a while). Writing is a safe form of venting. Or is it?

Suffice it to say that dating has kept me dangerously busy. In a very good way.

On one of my recent dates, the subject of procrastination came up. Why do we put off unpleasant tasks, like returning the dreaded phone call, filing the court papers, or dealing with the administrative hassles of a name change? The answer, my Date says, is because we are thrill-seekers.

That’s right. The rush brought on by procrastination is too exhilarating for some to pass up. The feeling of bumping right up against…a deadline. Flirting with…disaster. Not completing…an important task…until the last possible second.

Straightforward life, right out of the bottle, may not be exciting enough for daring, intelligent, adventure-seekers. We need something more. Procrastination. Dating.

These two joined together offer an unforgettable combination. For example, keep that date waiting in the wings til he’s just about to give up, then give him exactly what he wants. Or string her along til she threatens to send a PI after you, and appear on her doorstep with a dozen roses. Or date him just long enough to fall madly in love with one of his friends.

Sound familiar? Dangerous Daters live on the edge.

Yes, you too can date daringly and dangerously. Why settle for Plain Life when you can have a Dangerous Dating Life instead?

Up, up and date away!

Replaceable Date

It’s kind of bothersome that you think I’m that easily replaceable. Like, I was married to her for 10 years (yawn), she raised my 3 banshees (yowl), she was the breadwinner (ya-hoo!) and now, I’ll just snuff her out and start over, as if she didn’t exist.

Wait. Not so fast, buster boy.

I matter. And you can’t pretend all that time didn’t matter, even if you forgot to pack up any physical reminders like photos of the kids, or your clothes and stuff. Yeah, yeah, so you were in a hurry. I got that.

And you have new, better physical reminders now! Like your 4 cars, 4 flatscreen TVs, hilltop house, swimming pool and new plaid wardrobe. The parties, the built-in babysitters so you never actually have to spend time with your kids, your gf’s shiny bleached white teeth. (How long until that bleached taste goes away? Last time I sucked on bleach I made some terrible errors. I think it caused lasting brain damage.)

So you may think you can substitute these semi-precious assets for old, tattered, battered me. 

Just remember, you have it all now, but you can’t take it with you. It’s an illusion.

You end up exactly as you are. Poof.

You made your bed - now, sleep in it!

Repri-Man-Ding Date

A date is not off to a good start when the reprimanding starts before you’ve actually met, or done anything officially “wrong.”

I had a date start off that way when a potential suitor used my entire answering machine tape to admonish and insult me for not returning his phone calls in a timely manner. Never mind I was sick in bed, on death’s door with mono and pneumonia. I’d failed to return his call for 2 days, and he was not going to let me get away with it.

Or take my friend M’s recent experience with a Plenty-o-Fish matched mate. Perhaps, she should have been warned that his profile stated, "If you're the kind of woman who's too busy to return phone calls, then we won't get along." Whoa. Who says a bizzy woman is bad date material? Isn’t it a plus if she has enough going on to have an interesting life, considering you were not a factor up til now? I’m bizzy and I don’t usually return phone calls (I text only, please) and I’m still a very Hot Date.

Feeling threatened, M actually did return his phone call, where he proceeded to complain about any women whom he'd driven a distance to meet, paid for dinner, but then after the date, they failed to return his calls or were too busy to make a subsequent date.

Feeling a surge of everybody deserves one more chance, M decided to set a date with him but then learned her babysitter had cancelled. Repri-Man offered "Why don't u just have me babysit, and then u can go out on your date?" Ouch. She had in fact double-date-booked herself and used the babysitter as a flimsy cover story, but for Repri-Man to call her out on this fact was oh-so-rude.

M’s final attempt (feeling like she was in the Roman Coliseum with a large hungry lion), was to offer to Come His Way. His cynical cumback was “Why don't u just call me when ur actually on ur way down?" and he outright refused to set a time and place. Feeling a Reprimanding Vibe, M texted that she thought it wouldn’t work out after all.

His last, cutting jab: “Yes, I was expecting that from you.”

And they had never, even met. Yikes.

Where Did U Come From Date?

You put me first.

You are creative, smart and funny.

You cum home after work.

You sleep late with me on weekends.

You help.

You are honest.

You play with kids.

You have cool ideas.

You like to go out.

You like to stay home and snuggle.

You don’t watch TV.

You light candles.

You write me poems.

You sing karaoke duets with me, in our pajamas, when a good old song comes on.

You like cheese.

You are so easy to get along with.

You are so sweet to me.

Just another night at dinner.

Where did U cum from again?

Ah, that’s right, the roommate ad section.

Victory Vacate Date

Summer is synonymous with vacation. And what vacate date could be more great than getting out of state?

I mean, California is nice and all…as long as you don’t mind surgically and genetically altered friends who come and go like herpes with each successive (or is it successful?) divorce, big gas guzzling grizzly cars that cost so much to run you’re upside down on your car payments, houses made from cardboard stuck together with Elmer’s school glue that easily fetch half a million dollars, and beach water so frigid that your sand stings hurt way more than jellyfish. Not that I’m not happy livin’ the CA dream or anything.

 
All that aside, CA is an okey-dokey place to live, if you don’t know any better and never plan to escape.

But getting out every once in a while, and taking a plane to places far, far away, can be rejuvenating.

Especially when you spend $10,000 to get a judge to say it’s okay. Yes, this actually happens to people. People like me.

Now that’s vacation!

Dating Etiquette

Key to My Happiness

From time to time, I get horribly insecure.

I’m generally a confident person, but some Dater practices are downright annoying. Am I uptight, or would you agree these behaviors are pesky?

Take the Dater who is Torn Between Two Lovers . Just like the 70s song of that name, you are acting like a fool and breakin’ all the rules. Especially if one lover is your soon-to-be-ex-wife and the other is me.

You still keep stuff in your wife’s bedroom, even though you’ve moved out. Ick.

Your FaceBook page is still plastered with your wife’s face, even though your status says “separated.”

You still do all holidays and family birthdays together, even though you’re technically not supposed to be a family anymore. Pssst, guess what? If you’re going to do that, don’t bother getting divorced. It’s a lot of hassle, only to still spend all that time and money together.

Finally, your secret password is your wife’s middle name. Really? You want to type that intimate reminder every day?

My password is Deliciousdatergonemissingincasuburbsonlytoresurfaceasawildsinglemother.

You get the picture. Or maybe you don’t?

Bifurcation Date

Today is very special. I’ve been bifurcated.

Sounds like perhaps I’ve been cut in half?

If you guessed that, you are close! Like chickens that live on once their heads are gone, divorced people function much the same way. You can lose your head and live on! Sometimes, people don’t even know your head is missing, especially if they didn’t know you before.

In all seriousness, because I’m such a serious person, I’ll tell you how serious this situation is.

On the yellow brick road to divorce, a bifurcation generally means one of two things:

1) The spouse requesting the bifurcation is in a big hurry to marry someone else ! Such a hurry that they cannot even wait for the divorce to get finalized. So they “bifurcate” as a shortcut. But be warned: these splitting and reproducing spouses come with several warning labels. If you add water, like a swimming pool for example, they grow to epic sponge-like proportions, sponging all your time and money.

2) The other reason to bifurcate is to buy a house with the new lover. Quick! Hurry up! Best to do that before you decide you really hate each other. Then you are more trapped when you try to get out of that ill-fated relationship. In fact, you may still own your pre-bifurcated (like pre-fabricated?) house although you’ve refused to pay on that mortgage for quite some time. Accounting oversight?

So get ready everybody, let’s do the BIFURCATION!

It’s like the Macarena, but the steps are even less complex!

Another Day, Another Date

Just This One Day

Today I woke up with just one thought: I hope I make it through this day. Just this day is all I ask. And then the next one.

I used to have a normal life: a husband, family, career, minivan, stuff. The stuff that supposedly makes us happy. Now I have myself. And I’m happy. It’s just a little harder when the shell of normal life has fallen away.

The best part, besides me, is my friends and family. Not the divorce family, my real family. Not the wasbund that trades you in for a botox beotch family. And my friends are amazing. And my roommate. Some old friends, some new. The ones that stuck around (M, D, S, A, T, J, J, T, J, H, V, T), came back (H, T, M, K, R, H) or emerged (P, M, D, M, H, J, J) – all are awesome.

Yet it’s not friends, family or roommates that are holding me up. It’s Dating. Dating Suburban.

Another day, another Date.

Let’s hope I can make it through this one.

Date Driver

This is not about dating drivers. People who drive. Cars, busses, scooters, etc.

This is about what drives dates.

My friend E went off the dating circuit for a while, frustrated with the quality of the selections, and feeling burdened by always having to shave her legs.

Yet it turns out something very key goes missing when you don’t date. So, she’s back on the scene.

Would it be fair to say that lovin' makes the world go ‘round?

Or at least that the lay promise makes millions of dates happen every day?

Things I Can't & Won't Stand 4 Date

There are several key things I absolutely cannot stand in a relationship.

Yet I continue to put up with them. Why?

·         Lying by omission – This is the worst. White lies, seemingly harmless half truths, meant to protect the innocent, are actually a crushing blow when left unmanaged. Hiring a personal trainer for $700/month, deciding not to pay mortgage principal, forgetting to mention you are telling bimbos at work about our sex life, keeping dateable co-workers waiting in the wings, hiding your wife at your apartment for a month, pretending to set my husband up with “workout partners,” telling your wife I’m a drunken failure when in fact I’m a brilliant writer. Seemingly minor betrayals that balloon into larger-than-life lies. You know the type. We’ve all done these things, no? Just don’t get caught, by me. I don’t like it.

·         Not being #1 – Why bother dating someone if you’re not their priority? Yeah, so you have to clean up the dog doo in your yard, bring your mother-in-law to the urologist weekly, pay your X her alimony right this minute, have yet ANOTHER conversation with your wife about the taxes you “forgot” to pay for 5 years. Oh, and you couldn’t text me back because your phone was off? Or was it that you were in intimate dialogue with your other girlfriend? Right. Move on to the next victim and spare me the agony, please.

·         People who don’t like kids – Kids are playful, sweet, funny, loving and a breath of fresh air. They keep you motivated, curious and busy. They are sticky, loud, mean, scared and disobedient. They cost a fortune to raise and don’t often say thank you. They just want more Nutella toast. Please. Never mind that you haven’t had time to wash your hair in a week. Or theirs for that matter. No matter. I love kids and I hope you do too.

·         No sense of adventure – If you aren’t wild, reckless, willing to try new things and always up for a spontaneous road trip, you need not bother apply. While I could never get wasbund to get excited about wine country, beaches or international travel, I’ve come to the conclusion that’s what girlfriends are for.

·         Condescending tone – Talk dirty to me, but don’t talk down to me please. I’m probably smarter than you unless you’re Stephen Hawking. You can’t make up for lack of intelligence by conjuring up blaming, accusatory “you” statements. “Because you’re so uncooperative, you are causing so many problems, you don’t give me a choice, you are so demanding, you are selfish, you are hurting children, you don’t deserve happiness.” Hey, guess what buddy? YOU don’t know how to get me into the bedroom. So, keep working on those haughty, patronizing statements for the next wife. That’s not driving me anywhere but to the nearest exit. I’ll be at the motel down the street, taking care of nooner business on my own.

Next time you’re looking to start a relationship with me, just remember these tips.

I assure you, they will cum in hand-y.

Lunch Text Date

I thought I was so special. He texted, “Wanna have lunch?”

I eagerly responded “YES!” I know that when you really like someone, you’re not supposed to appear too eager. In fact, he had pointed out earlier, “I try to play it cool, but I think about you a lot.”

Well, play it cool I did NOT. Right away, I mean right away, I revealed my availability. Not just my availability, my absolute eagerness to be near this guy every chance I get! Including lunch.

But it turns out he’d sent this mass text lunch invite to 99 different women. He apologized; he was too busy filtering all the responses to actually meet me or eat (with) me.

Destructo-Date

As I get older, wiser and more mature, I am (hopefully) more aware of when my dating = a pattern of destruction. Certainly my marriage had that special destructive flavor, for much longer than I care to admit. Since I got out of that one alive and handed the narcissistic wasbund off to the next unsuspecting wife, you’d think I could make better choices going forward! Right? Well, maybe. Remains to be seen.

Right on!

It’s really important for me to be #1 as a girlfriend. I’m saying, pay some attention to me. So you may marry me and love yardwork, TV and triathlons more than I bargained for. (But you’ve managed to put those aside to bed down with wifey #2.) Or you may love playing Words With Friends with your wife during our romantic dinner, having twin Facebook profiles with your ex and going on platonic dates with widowed women from work. Or, it may just be that you live 5 hours away and are ever-entwined in sharing a house with your wife.

Any way you slice it, I deserve a bigger piece of the pie. Am I being greedy? Selfish? Realistic? Self-sacrificing? I’m not sure.

You tell me just how much pie Dating Suburban should get, please.

I think I want a REALLY big piece.

Not OK, Cupid!

My Blogger Buddy has been dabbling in the Dating World for a few decades, and she summed it up nicely for me recently by musing:

"Your Vacation Date reminds me that I'm going to a romantic Palm Springs hideaway with a gay man! It adds up to about the same "date" as with your mom!

And speaking of dates: had to dump the latest OK Cupid suitor the day before Valentine's Day. We did the BonerBack Trail (he wore hip, boho sneakers and fell on his ass three times), then went to PIS, where he proceeded to get drunk (he was also slamming them back on our first date) and make crude remarks.

The whole day, he could've held my hand, rubbed my arm or back, we could've made out on the trail, but, NO. He wants to get laid, so something crude pops out of his mouth. 

What is it with hetero men? 
Why do they think that behavior's going to lead to sex?

I'm going to have a better time in PS with Gay Jay than I probably ever would have with Mr. Not-OK Cupid."

DS's wasbund took the same approach to intimacy. Got it, guys? This doesn't work. We like kind, loving attention, not foolishness and insults. Pretty simple, really. Just like men.

Rebound Relationship

When one relationship ends, it’s so easy to fall right into another. Wasbund fell into the convenient clutches of botox beotch, CC. Knives falls into the arms of any attractive work colleague, past, present or future.

And I’m...well...still falling.

Catch me if you can, please, someone.

I haven’t hit rock bottom yet.